By November I was feeling back to my old self. We had been staying at Houston's parents house while insulation and sheet rock was installed in ours. It was really fun to see the progress and for someone else to do the work! I remember kind of feeling like we needed to take a break from the baby thing and just relax a little. I did a lot of thinking, praying and journaling. As I have said before I felt very strongly in my heart that the Lord had good things for Houston and I and I believed he wanted us to be parents, we just weren't sure when or what that would look like. Almost a year before, my doctor had referred me to a fertility specialist, not because she had found any reason that I needed to go but simply because it had been over a year and I still wasn't getting pregnant. I kept putting if off for fear of the costs but I really think I just wanted to hold on a little longer in hopes that it would just happen. We had scheduled an appointment in October but after realizing that our insurance would pay for very little we decided to wait. We had been saving every dime we had for the past three years to complete the renovations to our house and still had a ways to go. We weren't prepared to pay the high costs of fertility testing and treatment. Also, we felt like we should reschedule the appointment at the beginning of the year so that once our deductible was met, we'd have the rest of the year to apply the small percentage that our insurance would pay. There are no words to describe how much I want to be a mommy and how much I want to see Houston be a daddy. When I met Houston at the bus barn ten years ago in January, it was the way he interacted with people that first caught my eye. (Minus his stud-like features and stellar good looks, of course) In particular, I noticed how friendly he was with the “older” crowd and how amazing he was with the little kids. The kids that rode his school bus adored him. He would have special days that with the parents permission, he'd buy them McDonald's after school and often times make snow cone runs. He was so much FUN. He always had ideas of fun things we could do. When we got married we began dreaming of the day we'd become parents and all the fun things we wanted to do with our kids and that November in our seventh year of marriage we felt more than ready. I knew, however, the inevitable was coming but that I had to continue to believe. My 29th Birthday was November 5th and two of my dearest friends had gotten be a really sweet gift. It was a really fun and cute notepad that said “Believe” at the top. It meant a lot to me as all of our friends had offered so much support during the past couple of years. I put the notepad on my refrigerator to remind me to Believe. But little did I know the Lord was one step ahead and what happened next was the most amazing miracle of my life.
I'll never forget Thursday, November 15th 2008. That entire week had been a rush of emotions, similar to the previous twenty five months we had been trying to conceive. It's the most difficult time of the process because you want to be faithful in believing and trusting in the Lord but at the same time you are so fearful and protective of your heart. My heart was broken each time I had discovered we were not pregnant that month. So on that Thursday evening, as I was driving home from work, I decided I would face my fears, put my mind at rest and find out one way or another if we were we pregnant or not. I have to add that at this point I was four days "behind schedule". The reason I had waited so long to take a test was because every time I had tested before was obviously negative and I just couldn't bear to see another negative pregnancy test. So I just kept waiting for the inevitable. Houston was working late that night helping his boss with a remodel project and I hadn't really filled him in on the situation. I usually would have but again, I just kind of figured I'd spare him the drama and it would all be over soon. When I got home I was ready to face my fears and put my mind at rest. I took the test, set it aside and carefully watched the clock and waited until it was time to take a look. I picked up the test and could not believe what I saw. For the first time ever, there was a very light pink line in the second window. My jaw hit the floor and I was freaking out. I remember thinking and feeling like it was a "magic" test or something. That all of the other ones "didn't work" but this one was magic! The positive result was the most amazing thing I had ever seen! There truly aren't any words to describe how I felt and I couldn't wait to tell Houston. I always thought it would be fun to surprise him in some fun way but I could not wait one more second to share this unbelievable news with him so I called him right away. He sounded excited but I think he was nervous to really believe it when he hadn't seen it yet. I told him the second pink line was faint but it was definitely there. When he got home that night we went to the store and bought a few more tests. We bought more of the two lines kind and a couple of the digital ones that either say, "pregnant" or "not pregnant". We waited until morning to test again. I woke up around 5am and I was ready. I remember that I was still so nervous about it and fearful that it was somehow a mistake. I decided to use the two lines one again, since that one had "worked" last time. It sounds so silly but I was afraid of seeing the words "not pregnant" on the digital one. This time the second pink line was much darker! I ran to show Houston and we celebrated with hugs and cheers. We were so excited. We couldn't go back to sleep so we stayed up and talked about it until it was time to get ready for work. I ended up taking several more tests. It was like I had to pinch myself to believe this was really happening and seeing the positive result was so amazing. The first few months were really hard. I was so scared of losing this precious miracle. I clung to the Lord with all my heart and found rest only in him over the next several weeks. I never expected to be so emotional about it but it was really hard. I think my fears came from the fact that it took so long to get there and how emotionally invested we were in the process. We were in church one Sunday morning and recording artist, Jami Smith was there to sing a few of her songs. She sang "Faith In You" and I could not hold back the tears. When we got home I listened to it over and over again. Just hearing and saying the words, "I have faith in you" gave me so much strength and peace. I was reminded that no matter what I could rely on the Lord for all of my needs and that I really had to have faith in Him despite any fears of what "might" happen in our lives. We are now 24 weeks and are still so amazed at God's faithfulness to our family. We feel so blessed and are excited beyond words to continue to experience the blessing of being pregnant and can't wait to meet our little one!
Here is the song, "Faith In You" by Jami Smith. I hope it ministers to you like it did to me. Love, Kristin
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